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| MFM...dizzone.
Histo...en route.
Physio...near future.
Almost there. Chi-town, just you wait!
OMG I can't wait for:
allyoucaneatkoreanBBQ.
soundbar.
drinkingdancingeating.
weinercirclechicagostylehotdogs.
shoppingshoppingshoppingshoppingonmichigan.
beautifulchicagoweather.
seeinganoldfriend.
hangingoutandmakingmemorieswithnewfriends.
get your camera ready. | | |
| I'm 21 going on 22 next month. All around me there are signs: shopping for wedding rings, newly engaged, "married" statuses on facebook, even a couple babies. My parents have also been giving me the "I was engaged when I was 22" spiel since last year. When I look at myself now, nothing is certain: I don't have a boyfriend to live with and learn with. I'm going to be in school for at least 7 years. I can't handle the stress of residency and having children, mainly because I want to be with my children when they grow up...but then I find myself 30, broke, and single.
When did 30 become such a scary number? All these finish lines I have to cross before I get there. I want to be independent, established, in love, and with children in 8 years...which means I have to find a boyfriend, live with him, make sure we don't drive each other crazy, get married, have children all the while juggling an intense career and attempting to be the best doctor/wife/mother. I always did like challenges...but can I handle all this without failing miserably at one if not all?
When did we stop dating just to date, and start dating to be married? Or are those even separate things? Maybe subconsciously when you dated, even in high school, you were looking for someone to match you and complete you, to make you happy at all times. I think I've found someone who makes me happy (most of the time) and challenges me. Never before have I woken up next to someone and thought, "I want to do this forever." I imagine apartments together, pets we name, places we live, restaurants we explore...in some little fantasy life where we have obligations, but they always take a backseat to us enjoying each other. Alas, circumstances pushed us apart, and who knows if my fantasies will come true?
I'm a little scared that I've already found someone I can see myself marrying, mainly because I'm a very capricious and fickle person. I'm also a serial dater, so those two things added together equal several intense lengthy relationships back-to-back-to-back. I don't want to make the mistake of thinking "this is it" and waking up 10 years down the road realizing it wasn't. How can you tell the difference between love and extreme infatuation? Is it the length of time? There are so many people I've yet to meet, and so many things I want to experience before I'm ready to settle down...
...but I also don't want to wake up 10 years down the road and realize that was the one, that was when I was happiest, when I loved the most, what I was meant to have. Friends always tell me I'm so young, and I'll have so many more chances, but who knows? Going into a career where a lot of people are in relationships or married or too stressed/different to be intimate with, where does my next chance come from? What if I don't want another chance...?
Even so, there are no guarantees the person I ultimately want to end up with wants to be with me as well. I think of all these things I can do to be with him: summer internships close to him, rotations where he lives, residency placement wherever he goes. Have I ever tried this hard to be with someone before? Is this all in vain? Am I just holding on because I like being in love or is this what I really want? Things haven't always been easy for us, and recently, incidents have surfaced which make me doubt, but I can always make excuses and find explanations for actions that otherwise would be outrageous. I just know the past and the now, and while there have been several roadblocks that would shake anyone's faith in marriage, isn't love about accepting the faults in someone?
I think I've just confused myself more...seems a bit hopeless, wouldn't you say? | | |
| LA on Thursdayyyyyy  | | |
| I'm getting ready to go to China at 5:30AM tomorrow...if you want anything, let me know! I can probably procure you fake anything, and if I love you enough, I can get you something real.
In anticipation of being in China for almost a month, I cleaned out my nano and tried to put a variety of songs and artists, so I wouldn't get bored constantly listening to the new Timbaland album, which is good, but repetitive to say the least if that's all you listened to on a twelve hour drive...like to Tennessee...
Anyways...having a shitload of music (30 gigs), which pales in comparison to other stashes I know, but of still considerable size forces me to choose only a couple albums/artists/songs at a time to listen to, and I tend to blast these over and over until I get sick of them, and I have to dig through iTunes again to create a fresher playlist. Recently, on constant rotation, it's been Timbaland, the Decemberists, Stars, Mates of State, Lil' Wayne, the Boy Least Likely To, Aqualung, Clap Your Hands Say Yeah, Margot and the Nuclear So-and-So's, and the Best of Narada New Flamenco Guitar. Not bad, right? Oh, and the eternal favorite Death Cab.
Always looking for a change, I deleted ALL of these (except Death Cab and the Decemberists...I know, I'm pathetic) off my nano, and added fresh new sounds with the new Andrew Bird album and Lily Allen and bringing back...Coldplay, Jurassic 5 (god...amazing...), Edan, Elliot Smith, Asobi Seksu, Etta James, Jay Chou (my shout out to C-Pop), Incubus, John Mayer, Malajube, the New Pornographers, the Samurai Champloo albums (again, musical orgasm), Jimmy Eat World, Weezer (Green, Blue, Pinkerton...none of that crappy new stuff), and of course, old school Mariah!
God...I love music.
Hopefully, this will keep my ears and soul content until I return.
Other food for the soul:
re-reading the Blind Assassin
East of Eden
re-reading Love in the Time of Cholera
Thank You for Smoking | | |
| I'm going back to Tennessee tomorrow 
home sweet home. | | |
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